The hopeless romantic in me has dreamt of a love so passionate, so dangerous, so grand that even Allie and Noah from The Notebook will have to bow down to my lover and me. Shakespeare would praise me and Nicholas Spark would write a novel about me. But unlike most fairytales, my Prince Charming does not have a gallant white horse nor a royal bloodline. My own version of Prince Charming has a college degree, wit, drive, and an unquestionable desire to explore and see everything that the world has to offer. However, there's one problem. I've met this guy before. Correction, I've met these guys before. They're usually an engineer of some sort. A phenomenal writer. An enlightened thinker. And generally speaking, they're in extremely great shape (Wink, wink). So it's no surprise for me to say that the initial attraction and chemistry were always there. We have great conversations, shared thought-provoking philosophies on issues we deemed to matter, and to simply put it, we have a great time.
But over the past two years or so and I truly despise myself for admitting this, I've been in denial. Every encounter was used to fill a void that has become darker and darker with each passing day. And despite all of my straight-out-of-the-movies stories, I cannot seem to escape from one simple truth and that is I've never fallen for any of them. All said and done, I think the most difficult task is trying to find a sufficient explanation in order to avoid the reality of it all: I am alone.
A couple a weeks ago, an old friend asked me out on a date. It was unexpected to say the least, but his grand and sweet gesture made it extremely easy for me to say yes. Did I say it out of pity? Of course not. I said, 'Yes' because for the first time in two and a half years, I decided to give casual dating a shot. He and I ended the conversation with the agreement that he'll call me back in two weeks' time.
He did just that. Two days ago, I received a missed call from him. Normally, I would call the person back right away, but I knew that this person deserved more than that. He deserved the truth and the second truth is this: I am not ready.
Despite my wanting to get to know these guys better, there's someone I am much more interested in and that person is none other than myself. Khanh, what are your interests? What is it that you like to do? What are you passionate in? What about your dislikes? These unanswered questions has been floating on my mind and these are questions that, needless to say, are my priority. So to sum it up, I've been saying 'no' to every single suitor because I believe that dating requires a certain level of interest, time, and commitment---three things that I so desperately want for myself. Am I fully aware that I am closing myself off from potential love of my life? Sure. But that love will be there later and that's perfectly fine. After a conversation with a friend, I've quickly accepted the fact that I thrive when I am in my own bubble so being alone is actually not scary as it seems. In fact, my choosing not to date is a choice. A healthy choice. And if the time comes when I put on a nice little back dress, my newest stilettos, and red lipstick, you'll know that I'm finally ready to step back into the dating field and it's probably because I've met someone unconventionally awesome.
Until then, I want to spend this time to soul-search and perhaps, find the answers to my questions. One day at a time. One step at a time. So here's to a brand new adventure and to all the possibilities that are ahead.