"You look beautiful," my friend said as he gave me the biggest most welcoming hug. After all, the last time we saw each other was at his grad school orientation for USC."Then why am I still single?" I jokingly responded as we were trying to hide our excitement. He laughed at my response and then said to me, "They don't know how special you really are." This past week has been a strange one for me. I don't even know how to describe what I'm going through, but a good word for it would be discomfort. I feel uncomfortable in all sorts of manner. I don't feel like myself and I most definitely have not been acting like myself. I spent all day yesterday in bed, recovering from the night before, but I have to say that one of the best decisions I made all week was to go out yesterday night.
I bumped into a lot of old friends and by old, I mean I've known these guys for years. Luckily for us, there was also an open bar and since we are all of legal age, we took advantage of it. By we, I mean me.
The rest of the night was filled with small, fun conversations and obnoxious antics. It was great. I've always love unexpected reunions with people I adore. But every now and then, when no one was watching (or so I thought), I would take out my phone and look to see if there's any new notification. Yep, I was waiting for someone. I shouldn't have, but I waited for a response anyway. Then all of a sudden, in the midst of a very chaotic crowd, I felt that uneasy, tingling feeling again. The feeling of discomfort. There I was surrounded by an incredible group of people and the only thing I could think about was 'When is he going to text me back?'
Okay, woah woah. Let's back track it a little. Since when did I allow myself to start caring so much? Why should it even matter? I could not stand it anymore so I grabbed a bunch of small ice cubes and started to eat them---wishing that it'll keep me distracted for just a while longer. Granted, the heavy drinks finally kicked in (I'm telling you...when Khanh drinks, she really drinks) and the rest of the night became a big fat blur, kind of.
This morning, with a clearer or should I say more sober state of mind, I started to think about this feeling of uneasiness and why it has occupied so much of my internal thoughts. I shook my head. 'Khanh, you're ridiculous.' I, a firm believer of all things self-love, have unknowingly stopped executing the one thing I believed in. I stopped loving myself.
I haven't felt beautiful in a very long time, but that's because I was looking and turning to all the wrong people. I wanted validation from those who knew very little about me. They don't know my interests, my hobbies, my values, etc. The worst part about all of this realization was that I have let myself down.
After awhile, I started to think about my old friend, his words, and how genuinely warm his expression was when he told me I looked beautiful. Now I know I may not have been feeling all that great this past week, but today is a new day and I'm all for a fresh start. Time to start giving my soul, mind, and body more lovin. We are all deserving of at least that much.