Emily warned me about this. She said, "What you do with so many people is effortless. But remember, too much of a good thing can be bad. I just hope you can direct more attention to your inner self." She didn't have to say it to my face for me to know that she has probably predicted the day I'm going to tip over. The day when things strangely become too heavy and burdensome for me to handle. I'm not there just yet, but it's only a matter of time. That is if I continue to pack on everyone's expectations and worries like they are my own. Yesterday morning, I woke up with so much pain in my chest, I had no choice but to drag my stubborn ass to the doctor's office. Although the wait wasn't all that bad this time around (I think the nurse could tell based on my facial expression that I would probably turn the office upside down if they made me wait for two and a half hours like they did last time), I completely dread stepping into the place. According to my doctor, I either have 1) really bad allergies 2) a bacterial infection. It could be one or the other. He says he doesn't know just yet until I finish taking my medicine.
Immediately, I told Jonathan and Emily and both of them were simply not having it so they ended up laughing at how ludicrous my diagnosis was. I'm telling ya, this is why I never go to the doctors. It's that and I normally have a pretty strong immunity. Anyway, right before I left the office, the nurse walked me out and the last thing she said to me was, "Wear more clothes! And then when you get better, you can wear anything you want." Mind you, I was wearing a long-sleeve blouse and a maxi skirt. I don't think I've ever been more covered this entire season.
At that very moment, I wanted to ask her why she would assume that I don't wear anything? Granted, it's true. I hate wearing clothes. If I really had the choice, my hippie self would be running around naked or at least in my undies for the rest of my life. However, I didn't realize how agitated I was whenever I think about how quickly people are able to make their perception of me. Emily reiterated this very well.
"It does come with the territory of being an attractive social butterfly and a reputation sort of follows you. But without careful consideration, reputation can be an merely an assumption, and assumptions tend to be unfair."
I know it's not always the best feeling whenever people judge you right before getting to know you, but it comes so naturally to people. I'm sure I do it unconsciously all of the time; therefore, I didn't want to completely place the blame on that nurse. She had good intent; although, I wish she would have been less direct and impulsive about her words. On a brighter note, this experience taught me that practicing mindfulness on a daily basis is extremely important only because I should recognize that what I do or say to others can potentially affect them in a negative (or positive) manner.
Yesterday night, a friend of mine and I decided to go bar-hopping. Coincidentally enough, we ended up running into a bunch of her college friends from way back when. I was happy that my friend got to see hers since it has been quite some time now; however, it was one of those rare nights where there was no ounce of fiber in my body that craved social interaction. In fact, all I wanted was good music and good vibes (I already have good company). I guess this a great example of when my introverted self starts to completely dominate my extroverted one.
This morning, I woke up, ate my usual breakfast, and received the news that my car would be in the shop due to some mechanic complication. While I tried to look pass it, I couldn't block out my mother's screeching voice on the phone. I love my mom, I really do. There's no one I love in this world I love more. At the same time, I was already having a bad day as it is. I went on to finish my food and had my daily catchup with my bestfriend. She asked me how my night went and I briefly gave her a summary of it. One of the very first questions she asked me was, "So no cute men?" I told her I wasn't there to look for cute men. Instantly she replied, "You're not searching or you just don't want to be on the look out for them?" "Neither," I said to her. All I wanted to do last night was to dance and it's as simple as that. I have no shortage of 'cute men' in my life so why would I ever feel the need to look for one? If they come, they'll come. Pun intended. I can't really speak on the behalf of my bestfriend and why she was unable to notice the change I'm undergoing as an individual. I guess the last and most constant impression I've left on her is that I wanted to have my fun, but that's not simply the case anymore. I have other things that's been occupying my mind and men is not one of them. I also have to consider the fact that we don't talk as often as we both would like and she lives so far away from me.
In case you are unable to read between the lines, I don't feel too well today. I'm normally accustomed to feeling extremely happy and grateful each day, but because of everything that has happened as of late, I couldn't help but to feel extremely down. I'm not naive enough to expect things to always go according to plan. After all, life is about all the spontaneous curveballs that are throw our way; however, I've been experiencing an accumulating amount of stress. A thing I can't dismiss entirely. This brings me back to the conversation I had with David a while back. He pointed out that I have a bad habit of not letting myself feel and experience all sorts of human emotions---even if it's not always positive. Frustration. Agitation. Annoyance. Anger. Blame.
I know I always write about having control over our attitudes and staying optimistic, but I fail to recognize the mere trait that unifies us all, which is the core essence of these human emotions. Today, I'm all of the above. I originally wanted to apologize for being a Debbie Downier, but I'll be doing it all wrong if I said sorry for the way that I am. I don't need to be and neither should you or anyone else.
Tip for feeling less blue: Ice cream. Ice cream, a hot shower, and maybe a really good hug.