I wish it was as easy as, "I like you" "You like me," so let's get together and live happily ever after. As I was driving back from a long day in Los Angeles at 3 in the morning, I felt as if someone was punching my chest repeatedly---full force. What I've been feeling for the past couple of days has been a result of my being sick. However, yesterday night was a little bit different. For the first time in a long time, I cried. I cried because my health is not where I need it to be and my body is suffering from the consequences of me neglecting it. I cried because my mother gave me a phone call earlier that afternoon telling me to give up on my dreams. I cried because that very same person told me I had to make a choice between listening to her and perhaps, losing the one thing I love the most (my passion) or losing her, the one person I love the most. I cried because I'm feeling all sorts of jumbled emotions and I don't know whether or not I should act upon them. Lastly, I cried because I think I'm falling but instead of letting myself feel, I've been holding myself back for the sake of not wanting to hurt or drag someone else down.
I've spent all of today laying in bed, crying tears I never thought I had, and thinking about what I can do to just make today a little bit better. Normally, I would pick up the phone right away and call either one of my best girl friends, but I wanted to try something new this time around. I wanted to cry alone. I knew that any one of my friends would have dropped everything they were doing just to be there for me; however, it's selfish of me to constantly seek their guidance and support. Sometimes, you just have to fight these battles alone. So that's exactly what I did. I gave myself the space and freedom to feel pain, disappointment, fear, and so forth.
After I let everything out, I realized that this was the first time I decided to consciously be my own friend. My girl, Trinity, said it well. "One of the greatest things you can ever learn is self-love. You learn to uplift, nurture, and celebrate you, even when no one is there to applaud you. People who really love themselves know they're a beautiful painting that is still being created. We all know that not everyone will like your art, but the artist loved it. Self love is your peace, and your freedom to be happy without restrictions. It's never about anything or anyone else. It starts and finishes with yourself."