Grieving, Moving on, Letting Go
Love yourself enough to create an environment in your life that is conducive to the nourishment of your personal growth. Allow yourself to let go of the people, thoughts, and situations that poison your well-being. Cultivate a vibrant surrounding and commit yourself to making choices that will help you release the greatest expression of your unique beauty and purpose. - Dr. Steve Maraboli
A lot has happened within the past couple of months. I lost my grandmother and till this day, I cannot stand the sight of seeing grandparents/old folks because it just drives me to the wall. And as much as I would like to have a guide to navigate me through a unique and equally devastating experience, I think it's equally important for me to take in all of my emotions and accept it for what it is. 'You're sad right now? Okay, good. That means you're actually letting yourself feel and that's way better than being numb.'
But is it just me or is this year flying by? I started 2016 with such high hopes and excitement for the future. 'I'm going to place in the pageant.' Nope. 'My friendship with [X] friends is going to improve.' Nope. 'My grandma is going to get better.' Nope. The pageant ended up to be nothing more than a learning experience. My friendships, well, not much has changed. I am making a conscious effort to only surround myself with people who can bring meaning into my life and vice versa. As for my grandma, well...refer to the second sentence of this blog post.
Luckily, as soon as the chaos was over, I got myself a new job (Hooray) with amazing bosses (Remember that last one I had?) and I've been soaking in so much knowledge about the digital space since. This is me trying as hard as I can to focus on the greener side of my lawn, in spite of an unyielding drought in California. Pessimism aside, I've also never been more productive and hungry.
Before today, however, I've been extremely hard on myself. I have this good ole' habit of placing high expectations on my friends, you know the same expectations I'd place on myself....and when they fail to meet my standards (I'm known for setting the bar really high), I would then start to question my initial intent, 'Yo, Khanh. Why must you set yourself up for disappointment?' Secretly, I want to be everyone's hero. I wanted to save my friend from taking up a pyramid schemed job, but rather being up front about his new opportunity, I decided to take a step back and let him see the real world for what it really is. Instead of bluntly asking my friend, "What are you really doing with your life?!?! JUST LET ME HELP YOU ALREADY" I let her do her thing so she can finally see that there's no room at the bottom for her. You might think it's counterintuitive for me to be somewhat nonchalant in regards to this, but hey, I've meddle in people's professional lives before and there's only so much you can do or say for someone who does not want to be helped. It's a horrible thing to say, but it couldn't be more true.
Don't get me wrong---I've questioned myself many times and by doing so, I'm allowing myself to practice another kind of art...the Art of Letting Go. People's lives are a direct result to their daily choices. I have a couple of options 1) Accept them and love them for who they are (Doable) 2) Change them into becoming who I want them to be (Impossible) For instance, if they want to change their shitty eating habits, it's not on me...it's on them. So if they end up gaining a lot of weight or not reaching a certain milestone in their career, why is it suddenly my fault? The point that I'm trying to make here is that we are all responsible for our own actions and fate. People are not accountable for my successes/failure and so the same can be said to them.
All in all, the grieving process has allowed me to recenter my priorities and love myself enough to be my own hero. In the past, I've invested so much of my time in my friendships and for the first time in a very, very long time, I don't want to have to apologize for re-directioning all that love, care, and consideration to myself. Any good friend who is reading this would understand that I just need me some Khanh time.
But shoutout to everyone who has this 'Adult' shit thing down because holy shit is hard. Being an adult is hard. Losing your loved one is hard. Letting go of people in your life is also bat shit hard. But you know what? I've never been a fan of easy anyway. I'm up for all challenges. Let's just hope I make out of this year harder, better, faster, stronger (Daft Punk reference, duh).
Disclaimer: My style of writing is reflective of my mood, hence the dialogue & profanity (Whoops, shouldn't disclaimers be at the top?)