Nothing is either good or bad, but thinking makes it so - Hamlet
It is strange for me to find so much enlightenment and joy in reading these articles and studies for class. At the beginning of the semester, I avoided signing up for Argumentation and Advocacy. 1) I heard it was challenging 2) I heard it was very challenging 3) I don't have time to take a challenging course. But it's funny how things work and this is definitely not the first time this has happened to me. It seems as though the more I try to avoid something, the higher the chance I'll run into it. It was no different this time around. After accepting my second internship offer for Spring semester, I knew that I had to take a core class to graduate and what do you know? It just so happens that one class opened up. Alright, Argumentation and Advocacy it is. Granted, I was extremely interested in the subject from the start. I get to argue and advocate? That's my kinda thing. However, my scheduled looked like a walking Google-Cal from the other end of the Earth and I refuse to commit to something rigorous if I could not put 110% towards the curriculum. Again, like always, I was wrong. Two weeks into the new semester, I began to fall in love and no, I am not talking about my incredible professor who holds a great resemblance to Chris Hemsworth. I'm referring to the actual lectures themselves. I always look forward to Wednesday and Friday mornings because I get to walk into the class feeling extremely tired and walk out feeling even more confused than ever. It's great, guys. It's rare that I find things interesting so now that I have another reason to wake up in the morning and not be as cranky...clap-clap-clap yay me. Wow...that sure was a long introduction to whatever it is that I wanted to say next.
Today, I read a written manuscript of a lecture on ethics given by Ludwig Wittgenstein. In his address, he quoted Hamlet (refer to the quote above) and further provided an explanation on what is defined as good versus the latter. To sum it up, he concluded that what makes something "good" and/or "bad" is in no ethical sense good or bad. Instead, it is attributed to our state of mind. This definitely made me think a lot about my current situation and how I actually view myself. While I always place a lot of pressure to be a good scholar, good daughter, and good friend, sometimes I feel like I am suffering from this internal struggle to maintain this so-called "image" that I have created for myself. But for what? For an award? For some sort of recognition? For acceptance? "Why is it that I do I do the things that I do?" Of course, I always feel like I am being tested with each and every obstacle that comes my way. Similar to a lot of people, I always have to face the battle between what I think is right versus doing what I feel is right. Granted, knowing me, I would undoubtedly choose the former. The reason for that is because I care a lot about other people's opinions and thoughts. I do not want to harm anybody or behave in certain manner that opposes my moral compass. But that doesn't necessarily attribute to my being good..that just means that given the choice, I rather do something I know I will not regret. However, if that's truly the case, why is it that I always find myself asking the dreaded question..."What if?"
Recently, I had the opportunity to go for something I've wanted. The door was wide open and all I had to do was walk through it. While I could have acted on impulse, I thought about what was at stake and then I realize that there are things I value more than just 'living in the moment.' Rather than taking that risk and potentially losing something important to me, I weighed the situation from different perspectives and realize that in addition to the restraint I exercised, I remained true to myself. I confided in my friend Emily about this situation and she told me that while the world can judge me all they want, at the end of the day, I had my fun and I looked amazing while doing it. Haha (thank you for that, Em). It was exactly what I needed. I'm not here to justify myself for my actions and inaction. I am simply pointing out the obvious and that is one of these days, I am bound to make a huge and awful mistake. I am also going to do great things for myself and for those around me. At the end of the day, I'm just happy and assured to know that I get to sleep soundly every night.