Moving On and Letting Go

"Have you ever thought about who would be at your funeral? If something were to happen to you, who would would actually show up?" my friend asked me these two questions after our discussion on a much darker topic --death and loss. Though these two things rarely ever cross my mind prior to our conversation, it definitely got me thinking about a couple of things. Currently, I am in San Jose. Not many people know this or remember this, but I was a Norcal girl way before I was an Orange County one. Although I don't consider this place my home anymore, I have to say that my best childhood memories were made here so I've learned to appreciate it for all its downfall and glory. Anyway, in the midst of celebrating my girlfriend's commencement and helping my friend move out of her apartment, I finally took some time to settle down and reflect on my life a little bit. After attending several graduation ceremonies and listening to countless of speakers, there seemed to be one message that stuck with me: you can't move forward without looking back. So now that I am by myself,  I would like to take this  time to walk back down memory lane.

In my four years of college, I was fortunate enough to accomplish a lot of my goals and dreams I didn't even know I had. I lived in a city that I loved, met people who I connected with, made memories that were clearer on some nights than others, but everlasting, nonetheless. But I also experienced a lot of pitfalls. I got out of a serious relationship. I received countless of rejections from companies I applied to. I encountered people who made me question whether or not things such as commitment and chivalry still exist. I also lost touch with friends who I thought would stay in my life for a long while. However, after my brunch with CROD, I've learned that the process of moving on is never easy. Choosing which bridges to burn or which bridges to build is never easy. But like a lot of things in life, these are choices that we have to live with for the rest of our lives.

Despite knowing this and being fully aware of these situations, I somehow still find a reason to hold back and to stay behind. I think about the person who has been in my life for six years now and how we may never be in the same state ever again. I think about the friend whose home I visited for several years now. I think about the family member who has been my best friend, but disappeared for a whole year without prior notice. I think about them and my life without them..only to realize that they have stopped playing a prevalent role in years. Furthermore, lately, I've been receiving quite a number of apology messages and letters. "Khanh...just because it doesn't seem like it, doesn't mean I love you any less." "I'll make it up to you." "I'm sorry I never got to tell you this sooner."

It was extremely overwhelming for me so I decided to turn to my best friend. I told him that I was feeling scared and somewhat angry but as always, he reassured me that things will be okay. "I know you need some time to relax and enjoy yourself. You can definitely do all of that with me. I would never ask you to do anything for me." That was when it hit me. I know exactly who needs to stay and who needs to go. It's going to suck, but I'm almost ready to do this. But first, I must forgive.

I must forgive the man who broke my heart because he has taught me how to love wholeheartedly and unconditionally. I must forgive the friend who has never reciprocated my effort because at one point in time, she and her family took me in as if I was their own. I must forgive the friend who never showed me much appreciation or emotion because deep down, I know he cares someway or another. I will forgive him because one of these days, he will look back to realize that he has lost what could have been the greatest love of his life. I forgive the people who made me cry, who has doubted me, and who told me that I was never good enough. I will forgive because I do not want to live in resentment and indignation. I'm not doing this for them. To me, forgiveness is a selfish act. I am doing it for me. I am doing it because it will set me free.