"These things only happen to the girls who don't know their worth." I've been told plenty of times in the past that confidence plays a key role in a person's interpersonal relationships. For me, personally, it has never really been a problem. I'm a twenty-two year old, well-educated gal with a couple of impressive things on her resume. And at the end of the day, if you were to ask me if I knew my worth, I would undoubtedly say, "Yes, I do." I would then probably follow up with the conversation by telling you that I'm a great listener. I am a people person. I have a good head on my shoulder. I am a good friend. But here's the thing, just because I am very confident in my talents and abilities doesn't mean that I won't meet an asshole along the way that makes me question everything I stood for.
Not too long ago, I dated a person who (from the outside looking in) seemed to be a great catch. He was just incredibly handsome, nurturing, strong, and more than anything, he made me feel safe. However, it didn't take too long before I learned there was more to the guy than what meets the eye. We never have any deep, intellectual conversations. Our messages get repetitive. Our taste in movies are completely different. I should have known that those things were a great red flag for: Khanh, now is the time to walk away. Instead, I made the same mistakes I've read about in articles, novels, and stories. I gave in. I gave in to his charming ways. I chose to ignore his manipulation, jealousy, and mind games. His lies became my truth and in a way, I was just so bewitched with his presence. I knew he was bad news, but somehow, I couldn't walk away and I had no idea why. I recently read an article written by Carmen Sakurai who discusses the impact of energies on human beings. She said that there is energy in everything. As such, "it's fairly easy to absorb negative energy when you are around toxic people." As a person who takes so much pride in her decisions, I was devastated when reality finally hit me---I was in a toxic, non-committal relationship with a person purely for superficial reasons.
Yesterday night, a couple of my friends dragged my butt out of the house for some Thursday late-night festivities. Reluctantly, I decided to go and of course, I bumped into him. Right when I walked in, I saw the guy dancing with a girl I did not recognize (which could be a good or bad thing). Naturally, I couldn't help but to look toward his direction. He took notice of me immediately and even asked if I wanted to join him and the girl. For the first time in awhile, I felt rage. Not because I was jealous, but because I was completely disgusted with his behavior. I even thought to myself, "To think if we were in a serious relationship, he would be pulling this type of card on me."
I'm sure some of the girls out there can relate to me when it comes to these type of things. But at that point in time, I reacted. I shouldn't have, but I did. And that, in itself, was a mistake on my end. My friends asked me if I wanted them to do anything about it and I said no. Instead, I pulled the closest, best looking guy towards me and we started to talk. Towards the middle of the conversation, I began to zone out and then I realize that what I was doing was wrong. I should not be using somebody else in order to get back at a person who was not even worth a minute of my time.
I woke up this morning feeling horrible. I further contemplated about my actions and felt extremely regretful. It was then that I received a text from a friend who told me that he would come over to steal my Internet. (He later confessed that he knew I just needed good company). We sat in my kitchen for a couple of hours and the poor guy had to listen to me dwell on everything that has been going on with me as of late. He told me that I would be okay and that I would be good as new in no time. He said that it's best for me to continue to look forward and never let anything hold me behind. Out of all the uplifting words, the ones that touched me the most was: Khanh, you are worth so much.
And that was it. In that moment, in a moment filled with questions and confusion, he gave me clarity. He reminded me how important it was to stay positive. Furthermore, his words pushed me to find that inner self-confidence that has been disappeared for awhile so that I can make a conscious effort to not be a victim in such cases. Looking back, I can see why I chose a man based on his appearance and quirks. At the time, it felt right. I wasn't looking for a soulmate. I was looking for a person that could make me lose track of time and he was perfect for that. But as with anything in life, I look at this experience as an essential part of growth as well as my trying to get to know myself more. So today, after all the stress I've placed upon myself, I've decided to release all those damaging energy by letting go and more importantly, by forgiving myself and him. Not because he deserves it, but because I deserve to feel inner peace.
Wow, it feels amazing to write this all down. I hope that you can take a lesson or two from my experience and with that said, I'd like to end this post with a quote that I am completely in love with:
Be the light you seek so desperately in your life and chase away that darkness. - Solange Nicole
Let's all shine bright like a diamond, my friends.