Something I've learned over the past couple of days while I was wallowing in melancholy is that anytime I carry any of that sadness with me, I also become more philosophical and in tuned with myself. My humor becomes darker. My patience runs short. And without a question, my tolerance for bullshit goes from 30 to 0 very very quick. If I had a choice, I would choose to be happy all of the time, which explains why I try to surround myself around positive-thinkers. But when you have a great deal of internal and external stresses that you single-handedly created for yourself (remember, I thrive on stress), sometimes it's hard to put on that day-to-day smile that you used to wear all too well. For the first time in two years, I believe, it's hard for me to smile. Two days ago, during my lunch break, I decided to put away my phone and take a walk around the surrounding neighborhood of Newport Beach. After walking for about 10 minutes or so, I somehow managed to follow a cemented paved path that led me to a park with unique streams, wooden bridges, and varied wildlife. That was the first time I considered myself to be 'one with nature.' The tall trees casted a shadow above me so it was quite chilly to say the least. I could hear the crows chirping, but it was the sound of rushing water that brought me contentment and tranquility. I even remember there was a certain point when I decided to stop moving and instead, focus on my breathing. As I began to meditate, I tried to purposely bring back my darkest demons, but I failed. Because I was so faraway from other humans, my mind was completely blank. It was a beautiful moment...really and I'll tell you this. When you give yourself the opportunity to be awestruck by nature, you are left not only with its beauty but also with an even bigger peace of mind.
You've heard of it many times in the past, but my on-the-run lifestyle has always left me feeling very connected to those around me. Even when I am alone, I'm still constantly holding a conversation with someone (via text, Facebook message, Snapchat, and etc) It becomes almost habitual for me to stay responsive through a number of social media outlets. Technology has made it easier for all of us; at the same time, I can't imagine how strenuous it is for us to find space for ourselves. A private space that is occupy by a population of only one. With this in mind, I decided yesterday night that I will utilize the next two days as a mean to self-reflect, meditate, as well as have some quality me-time.
I will never apologize for my wanting to transpose myself into the position of others nor will I change my need to feel empathetic. However, in order to better my existing relationships, I must first work on the relationship that I have with myself. I'm lucky to know that my journey of self-discovery will not end once my two day period is over. In fact, I know I can always turn to my supportive group of friends and say with great confidence that I have people who will love me through it all. For better or for worse. I'm so grateful for that and I can't wait to walk away with this experience feeling more rejuvenated and energized than before.
Until then, Fight On!