It has been a couple of weeks since I had that falling out with two of my best friends. I say a couple of weeks but in reality, I've completely lost track of time. So if anyone ever asks me, I would probably respond with something along the lines of, "It feels like forever." But just to be fair, I'm going to round up the days down to 'a couple of weeks.' However, before I continue on to tell you how I've been able to cope with everything, I'll fill you in on a little basics regarding friendships. I know it's hard for people to believe me when I tell them this (considering my outgoing manner), but growing up as an only child for nine years, I was a complete introvert. I would dread the opportunities when I had to speak to people and conduct small conversations. The feeling of being an outcast at school felt like a norm. Maybe not for other people; however, I was perfectly okay with it. Or so I thought. I was scared, insecure, and continuously anxious. It wasn't until the third grade did I start or at least attempt to make actual friends (some of which I still keep in contact with today).
Friends, to me, has always been my rock. We eat together, dance together, cry together, study together, and so forth. While I was completely cold to my family (again, still felt like an awkward teenager at the time), I was quite the opposite when I was with them. Also, one of the most incredible things is that we rarely ever got ourselves into any heated arguments or debates. I honestly can't remember the last time a friend and I stood face-to-face and yelled at each other. That just wasn't the case. There has always been this strong misconception that when someone has a lot of guys with her (i.e. me) that she must not get along with girls, but that's absolutely not true. While I do have a lot of male friends, at the core, there were always strong, beautiful, independent women around me. No question about it.
Until recently, everything in my life felt like pure gold, especially this particular friendship. She and I would be in contact with each other every minute of every day, FaceTime at night, send each other good morning and good night texts. I mean you guys, if you know me or even if you've never really talked to me before, you would know who this person is. She is, despite contrary belief, my other half. *Note* I know earlier I stated I lost two good friends, but one of them has been so physically and emotionally absent from my life, I really have nothing much to say about her. The other person, however, is or should I say was my rock. I loved her like I would have loved my little sister. We had this special connection where we wouldn't need to say a single word to each other, at the same time, knew exactly what the other person was thinking. That's the most incredible thing about a relationship that is built through time and trials. You get to share a special bond that no one knows about other than the two of you. So while I was busy trying to build up my network, she was still the person I would always take as my go-to plus one.
Granted, I never questioned what we had because it was perfect--- a friendship most people can only dream of. Despite having a big falling out a couple of years prior, I always felt the most beautiful when we were together. She made me feel beautiful by a) saying it out loud b) dolling me up c) the way she looked at me every time I was done putting on the finish touches to my face. So when I sent that final text message to her before I completely deleted her presence out of my life (for reasons that maybe I'll elaborate more in the future), you know that it's something I've been thinking about for quite some time now. In summary, if you're curious, I will tell you that somewhere along the decade year of friendship, I started to feel this huge disconnect between us and no matter how hard I tried or loved her, it just didn't feel like it was sufficient.
Have you ever had that gut feeling telling you to finally let go? That's exactly what I had. That very same intuitive, gut-wrenching voice whispering to me, "Khanh, just let it go." And in that moment, despite me wanting to fight for what seemingly was one of the best friendships I've ever had, I decided to release and walk away.
Whoever told you that doing these kind of things is easy must be lying because it has been eating at me for quite some time now. I would seldomly think and undoubtedly question my decision everywhere that I go. Work, gym, social gathering, home. Sometimes, I would be hanging out with my parents and I would see two girls walk by laughing with each other and without me realizing it at the time, I'd miss my other half. There was a point in my life where I knew I had found my maid-of-honor. (I never told her this because I didn't know if I was ever going to get married, but if that special day were to come, it would have been her).
But you know what? This is just another bump in the road. I could reflect now and completely regret my decision or I could choose to move forward. After all, this is not the first time I've experienced loss. I know what it feels like to lose someone I truly care about. I know what it's like to lose someone I love. I know what it's like to feel and be alone. For the past (insert number of weeks here) I've been occupying myself with work and thankfully, it has kept my mind off of the subject matter. However, waking up this morning, I felt serious pain. I'm questioning why things ended so abruptly and badly. I'm wondering why I said what I said and whether or not if it was the right thing to do. I know this completely contradicts what I said at the beginning of this paragraph, but don't mind me. I'm still trying to cope with everything myself. There was a point when I even thought to myself, what if I decided to place my pride away, pick up the phone and tell her, "Let's work things out. Let's get through this together?"
The answer? Well, I will never know.
I beat my alarm clock today so I finally got the chance to write everything down. As therapeutic as this is, I will dread re-reading this particular post. The subject of my writing will probably never read this, only because she no longer has access to any of my social media, let alone my blog. However, I wanted to point this out so you and I both know that I did not discredit everything she and I had, there is and will always be one solid truth. I have never loved a friend more than I have loved her.
Alright, time to wipe the tears that's already streaming down my face. I hope you all have a wonderful day. As always, Fight On.