Post-Beyond Wonderland

I'm back! And sick! (Again)  It has been a pretty eventful weekend for me. I celebrated my two year rave-aversary with some amazing people at a two day camping event at Beyond Wonderland. Of course, everything comes with a cost because my cough is back and I've used up half of my tissue box this morning alone.

After the guys dropped me off at home Sunday afternoon, my friend Lily asked me if I wanted to go to a small concert with her in Los Angeles and I told her that I would love to join her. Later that evening, I told my other friend I would not be home until eleven or so and he called me crazy for pushing myself too much. "Why would you not choose sleep?" he asked me. Truth is, I was beyond tired but quality time with my friend was important. She landed an amazing job and it's rare for me to spend time with her in general so I'm going to take whatever time I can get. Good friends are everything and while I'm still working on this whole life balance thing, I think it's important for me to prioritize the people I care about.

At 7:15, Lily arrived at my house and drove us to the city of Angels. I know I visit LA all the time and I've been living there for the past couple of years, but I miss it tremendously. I miss the city when I'm there, I miss the city when I'm not there. My new practical take on love and relationships is that if I'm fortunate enough to stumble upon that one person who makes me feel the way I feel about Los Angeles then I think I might just be at my happy place.

During our car ride, my friend updated me on her new job. I asked her what her short-term and long goals were. We exchanged some fun weekend stories and at one point, I asked her why she wasn't dating as of yet. She told me that she was open to the idea, but it has been extremely hard for her. I understood exactly where she was coming from. You think finding a person who you can get along with is hard? Try Hollywood.

"Are you scared?" I asked her.

"Yes."

"Of what? Of giving love, receiving love, or losing love?"

"Losing," she said.

It broke my heart when I heard her say that. I knew that deep down, a person as kind and compassionate as my friend is deserving of the world and an incredible man who can give all that to her. After hearing her thoughts on the subject, I reassured her that she will be okay. She might not be able to see it now because timing just hasn't been right, but I'm very confident that a good person will walk into her life in the future.

In the meantime, all of this discussion somehow swayed me to reflect on my very own personal life and current situation. I'm not going to lie. I have had plenty of opportunities to meet new people, to date, to have fun here and there, but I've been very coy about it this year. Romantic relationships are complicated and of course, I'm not really one to be completely in touch with my emotional side. Since I've turned the switch off for so long, I'm probably more desensitized than ever before.  I look at men very differently now. I have gained this new ability to see past their facade, the charm, the way in which they speak to me. It takes me no more than a couple of conversations before I could reevaluate their true nature. The gift of reading people is secretly a blessing and curse in disguise. Why? Because when you're able to see people for who they truly are, it can either scare you or excite you. Typically, for me, it's always the former. My wall starts to build up every time I watch a person walk in and out of my life, but I'm pretty used to it by now. Good-byes do get easier each time.

So following my amazing weekend, I was able to learn a couple of [new] things about myself.

  • I am no longer afraid to speak my mind
  • I am no longer afraid of going after what I want
  • I am still at a place where I cannot fully commit to any person other than myself
  • I am very much in control of my environment and who I want to keep in my life
  • I am no longer afraid of saying "No"
  • I honestly don't give a fuck (very often)

Being in a saturated environment such as a massive rave has really enabled me to open up my mind and heart. I never never dared to act irrationally and I'm proud of myself for not doing so. I'm no longer a college student so it's important for me to have my fun but also know when to hold my ground and stature.

Hope you all enjoy the rest of your week and take care of yourself so you won't be sick in bed like me!